


Ribbons

by Nyxota



Series: Awards [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: All the harm its all just references to the past, Angst, But it’s a big part of the fic so be careful, Childhood Trauma, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider's Bad Parenting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I have consumed no post cannon content and at this point I am too afraid to, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, but legit it’s cool and not a big deal, dave does a hit, emotional distress, jesus I just looked at all these tags strap in, okay but like baby panic attacks, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25820590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyxota/pseuds/Nyxota
Summary: “Dave? You’re being weird. Are you good?”What would make him think he wasn’t? He was just...just... What was he doing? He was laying in bed waiting on Karkat and… staring at the ceiling feeling, off.“Yeah, yeah I’m good,” he responded.“Okay yeah that’s bullshit Strider,” Karkat said walking to the door frame entering the bedroom, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, “ How many years have I known you? You’re using your ‘something is very much clearly wrong but I don’t want to come out and say it but god do I want someone to pick up on my near imperceivable calls for help’ voice.”“Is that your evaluation of my emotional state or your new screen play?” Dave retorted.“Both. Now move over,”—————In which Dave is forced to remember things he rather not. Things done to him, things he did, and worst: things he didn’t do.———Hey guys I was possessed to fulfill my duty of projecting on to Dave so hard I decide to write a vent fic
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Series: Awards [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052588
Comments: 6
Kudos: 73





	Ribbons

**Author's Note:**

> So hi, this kinda a hard fic to post ngl. The following is kinda a combination of different talks and moments I’ve had as well some emotions I’ve had a hard time being able to say but I know I will feel better if I do. Honestly writing this was really good for me. Seeing how easily I could translate my experiences to his, as well as where I couldn’t really gave me some validation which is very nice. Essentially I said all this to say this is kinda personal, but I know fics like this have made me feel better in the past. And more over if anything feels questionable just know that a lot of it is based in lived experience, which is messy more often than not. Okay enjoy ty.

“Dave? You’re being weird. Are you good?”

What would make him think he wasn’t? He was just...just... What was he doing? He was laying on his back on top of the covers of Karkat and his bed, enjoying the warmth of his fuzzy pajama pants. Yeah right they were getting ready for bed. Honestly that makes sense considering Karkat was yelling from the bathroom. It was one of the nights in which to quote his boyfriend,“ My love for you outweighs my desire for skin that doesn’t feel like it’s going to crumble you ungrateful fuck” and Karkat sleeps with him in his bed instead his big goo cacoon.He was laying in bed waiting on Karkat and… staring at the ceiling feeling, off. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m good,” he responded.

“Okay yeah that’s bullshit Strider,” Karkat said walking to the door frame entering the bedroom, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, “ How many years have I known you? You’re using your ‘something is very much clearly wrong but I don’t want to come out and say it but god do I want someone to pick up on my near imperceivable calls for help’ voice.”

“Is that your evaluation of my emotional state or your new screen play?” Dave retorted. 

“Both. Now move over,” he said making his way to the bed, “ Ha! You’re not even wearing your shades. I can literally see how unhappy you look! God you are not subtle you know that? Now sit up it’s feelings jam time.”

God he hates how well Karkat knows him. Suffering in silence is so much easier when it was him and John circling around their problems,poking them with a stick and then pretending they weren’t there.

“Noooo dude,” Dave said, resisting his boyfriend’s attempts to pull him up by the arms, “ it very much does not have to be feelings jam time. You know what it could be? Sleep time. Doesn’t that sound better? Let’s put it to a vote! I vote sleep time, and since you love me you will of course forfeit your vote to me like gentlemen. Oh look at that? It’s a landslide! 100% voter turnout! Goodnight!”

Dave quickly threw a pillow over his face so he would not have to see Karkat’s annoyed face.He really doesn’t want to talk about whatever this is. This sort of thing just happens sometimes, you can’t do the things he did and have it not. He knows if he keeps thinking and trying to find out what the problem is he will just feel worse. Best to just be unconscious before the thoughts can solidify. 

_ Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to figure out what’s up. _

“Dave, please.” He said in almost a whisper.

Fuck. That’s playing dirty. Even when he’s relaxed Karkat’s voice sounds like he’s trying to have a conversation in the front row of a shitty house show. So his quiet voice drenched in concern shoots through Dave’s heart like an arrow. There is no avoiding this, either feel bad by talking it out or feel bad for not talking it out. Pick your poison.

“Okay, fine” he said, removing the pillow but not sitting up.

“Oh wow, he cooperates! Now what’s on you mind?”

Isn’t that the question. What IS on his mind. What even happened today? As he sorted through the day his mind stopped on one moment. As soon as he dug it up he remembered why he wanted to shove it down as far as possible.

“I saw Roxy today,” he said “We were hanging out when we passed this store. They ran in and told me to wait outside. They came out with a bag saying they thought it would look good on me; something about sex appeal I have no clue. Well I tried it on when I got home. It’s this… kinda velvety number, real low cut.”

“Alright I’m a fan, what’s the issue?”

“Aw I’m flattered. The thing is like real low cut. I’m talking mother’s hiding their children, men and women swooning in the streets, th-“

“The point Strider,” Karkat reminded casually.

“Oh, yeah. You know um,” he said slowly, like if he waited long enough he wouldn’t have to say it, “that scar on my chest? The big one?”

“Yeah, I know the one”, Karkat said as he seemed to realize where this was going.

“Yeah it kinda got front stage. Which is fine Roxy didn’t even know it was there, how could they? And it’s not like I was surprised by it I’ve lived more of my life with it than without it.Heck I have so many one really shouldn’t stand out.But,I just… couldn’t stop looking at it.”

He finally lifted his head up to look his boyfriend in the eye. His expression was some unholy mix of concern and awkward eggshell walking. Which is understandable considering he’s never actually told him about it. It had taken months of living together on Earth-C for him to even take his shirt off around Karkat, and years to really look at it let alone touch it. On lazy Sunday mornings filled with kisses and roaming hands they always took care of each other's errors with soft touches and softer lips, but no matter how many years passed that one stayed off limits.

There were scars all over his body. Years of “training” and being technically immortal will do that to you. They ranged in sizes and severity. Most were small, cuts from swords and debris, leftover bullet holes. Some people actually thought they were cool. The small one on his lower lip makes him “look like an action hero” to most people. Hell Karkat had gone as far as to call the one on his hip genuinely pretty.

“Like cracked pottery.”

This was not one of those.

Starting at his sternum, going over his left rib, and ending at the bottom of his shoulder was what could only be describes as marred flesh. Discolored and raised its the kind of scar that makes you ask if the person in question happened to have and less than stellar argument with a bear. We’re talking some full on Prince Zuko level shit. It was by far the worst of them all, and through some truly fucked logic his both least and most favorite. Who the hell has a favorite scar?

He really didn’t like talking about it.

So why did he feel the need to? He knows he needs to. His body and his mind knows he needs to. So when given permission to open the floodgates the waves of ramblings rip his secrets from him whether he wants to or not.

“Hey man I’m sorry you don’t have to say anymore,” Karkat said like had stepped on a landmine “we can just respect democracy and go to sleep I’m so-“

“No it’s fine,” Dave interjected “ it’s honestly my fault… it’s about time...you deserve for me to explain this whole thing.

“It’s the same story as most of the others, rooftop participation trophies. I was really tired that day, I can’t even rember why but I guess it doesn’t matter now does it. Moral of the story, instead of blocking or dodging a sword slash I ended up moving right into it. Hurt like a motherfucker I’ll say that but that’s… that’s not what was special about it. It was the first of three wounds that were actually bad enough that Bro helped me fix them up. And it was the only one he ever apologized for.”

Dave could feel the energy building in his body. And haze coming over his mind.

_ Why are you doing this? _

_ Stop thinking about it, it doesn’t matter now. _

_ You’re a goddamn adult now you need to stop. _

_ He’s fucking dead now. _

He was no longer looking Karkat in the eye, “ I know it sounds ridiculous but I thought ‘Hey maybe he actually did care.’ Maybe the others were really not that bad, or he was making me tougher through some backwards irony logic. He had remorse, he cared if I was hurt, or at least cared for me.

“The scar has always been a source of the trademark Strider mental anguish. Some part of me loved it, in a fucked up way. It was the closest thing I had to affection. I-I wanted to have a cool brother so bad, hell a decent brother, I kept thinking this will be it. THIS time it would just magically be different and it will all click into place. Well that time was. Or at least it felt like it.But you’ve seen it Kar it’s… you can’t just ignore that kind of damage, but ‘Cognitive dissonance is a Stralond’s middle name’ as Rose likes to say.

“Regardless as time went on the feelings of affection were turned into disgust and shame that I had ever considered it that. But some small part of me can’t fucking let go of the idea of maybe it was him showing that he loved me in his own fucked up way, and then if I was wrong about that then maybe I was wrong about everything else and I’m actually the one at fault and things weren’t as bad as I made them out to be and I’m just playing the victim in hindsight and then I’m the asshole who feels releaved by his brothers death and how fucked up is that?”

“Dave you can’t actually think-”

“See!There! It’s batshit crazy to think that! But I do! It’s a small,small part of me but it’s still me. God, at least Dirk’s shitty versions of himself are physically other beings. This is all OG Dave Strider. 1st edition mint condition! All stuck in the same goddamn box.

“So now I feel idiotic for even thinking that kind of thing. And if I do that then isn’t it my fault for falling for something so stupid? Or that I’m not actually together enough to parse what actually even happened?” He could feel himself starting to get overwhelmed. He could feel himself slipping down the spiral but he had made the stupid choice to start the balls rolling and now there are no breaks. “I feel stupid which makes me feel worse, which makes me feel like I was at fault, which makes me feel stupid which make me feel worse and it’s all one big spiral and I dont have anywhere to put the energy so I feel like im burning from the inside out and this is why I don’t like taking about it Karkat!”

He didnt realze he was breathing hard. He did realize he was almost yelling or that he had sat up and was doing the former to his boyfriends face. 

He couldn’t read Karkats expression. He couldn’t think, his heart was pounding and he didn’t want to stop he just wanted to unleash all the self loathing he had in stock. It was a way he hadn’t felt in a really long time. 

And that scared him. 

* * *

  
  
  


Karkat was holding Dave. He didn’t know what else to do. 

_ God why did you bring it up. You see how much it’s hurt him you fucking asshole. _

No he couldn’t do that. He can’t go down his own spiral when Dave needed... He doesn’t know. Someone. Anyone. Him. 

“ Karkat I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to scream at you.Kar I didn’t mean to-”

“Dave,”Karkat stopped him, “you didn’t do anything wrong. There’s a lot of stuff going on with that scar that I didn’t realize I was making you go into. And if yelling was an offense in this house I would be homeless so you are good Dave.”

He could feel him started to shake in his arms. It had been a long time since anything had made Dave get worked up like this out of the blue. Usually it’s anniversaries of shitty days, something you could prepare for. Unironically the knight of time’s meltdowns ran like clockwork. 

  
  


“Okay first,” Karkat began slowly, “ you’re not stupid. John is stupid, you are not the same.”

He felt a small chuckled against his neck. “Leave him alone,” Dave said through his laugh. Thank god. They were to far down this hole

“Second,” he said moving Dave so he could look him in the face, “As an objective observer can guaran-fucking-tee that your Bro was grade A, master class, hell a top of his class graduating with honors validictorian asshole. An objectively horrible person. Like, like that one earth guy that everyone fucking hates? The one with all the murder.”

“... Hitler?”

“That’s the fucker! Objectively horrible.”

Karkat saw a slight smile tug at Dave’s lips. Okay good he was making progress. 

“Thirdly, and this one's important, it was not your fault! It was fucked and yeah you would have some weird feeling about it all. Of course you thought maybe that was him caring, that’s what he raised you to think”

Dave nodded his head agreeingly and started,“It’s just… god he’s still in my fucking head! It’s been years and my brain still wants to default to ‘ Bro’s right you’re wrong’. He wont fucking leave he’s in all my decsions, all my thoughts,everything! Even the things that I think have nothing to do with him I just keep finding him hidden like the world's shittiest fossil. The worst part is I know that now. Back then it was okay, I didn’t know to feel bad about it back then. And now I do but nothing else has changed,” Dave crossed his arm gripping slightly, “ I can't get rid of him when he's baked into the foundation of myself. If I do, the whole structure will fall apart and sometimes, I don't know,I feel like I deserve to be in the building with him when it comes crashing down. For falling for it. I-I can’t trust myself to know what’s real and what bullshit he put in there. It’s all stuck together like gum in my hair. It’s a giant gum infused hairball Karkat!”

Karkat saw that progress slip away as he watched Dave’s face drop and fingernails dig more and more into his skin. 

“Woah what the fuck dude,” he said grabbing Dave’s hand and pulling it away, “ you’re gonna hurt yourself!”

He watched as Dave froze in place. What did he do?  
  


* * *

He couldn’t be doing this. This was ridiculous. He was sitting in his bed on the verge of tears and shaking over stuff that happened forever ago. It’s too cliche and it made his skin crawl. This level of soap opera bullshit was too much and he could feel the embarrassment clawing at his throat. 

_ Woah we get it tragic backstory time isn’t it. _

_ I look so dumb. _

_ This melodrama isn’t very on brand for you. _

_ How can I even say this to him. I didn’t have it nearly as bad. Now I’ve made him worry and if I had just pulled it together and acted normal none of this would have happened. _

“You're going to hurt yourself!”

Why did he have to say that? Why that specific wording. If Dave was sinking before now he was drowning. 

“Dave…”

Shame rushed through him. He doesn't wanna bring it up, god he doesn't but he can feel the need to burn on his tongue. He shouldn’t . It would just make Karkat worry more, it’s not like it’s even that important. But the thought is in his head and he wishes he could unthink it but all he could do is remember. 

“Dave, can you look at me. You’re kind of freaking me out…”

How horrible those nights felt and how he never wanted to feel that way again. But that's thrown out the window as he realized that's what he had been feeling to begin with. Bro’s still making him feel this way. Shit Kakat’s been talking to him.

_ You're scaring him. Why the fuck cant I talk? You can't even look him in the eye. Just say something it’s so simple can you not even do that? _

His throat started to burn and tears rolled down his face carving even more embarrassment into him. He's not supposed to do this, he shouldn't be doing this, why is he doing this. His body was full of hot energy desperately trying to escape but he had no way out.

“Fuck Dave what did I do you got tell me bab-“

He snapped his eyes shut as it felt like electricity shot up his arm. Something was touching him and all that he could feel was fear. Then he felt air.Then he felt contact. And then all he could feel was horror as he opened his eyes to see his hand outstretched and a small fresh cut on Karkat's cheek. 

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god” he spat out, all the air leaving his body. “I am so fucking sorry fuck I-I didn't I- it was a reflex shit- I am so sorry!”

Of course. You can't just wash that shit out. It a fucking gum hairball, and of course your gonna fuck up same as him. He was full of terror that he had put someone he loved in his old shoes,or had made them scared of him. He still has Bro in him and it makes him wanna rip him out of his skin and holy shit why does it always come back to this.

“Dave,”Karkat slowly moved and grabbed the hand Dave was staring at, “It’s okay. It’s alright I startled you. It is not a great idea to touch people who are zoning out like that but, I didn’t know what else to do. Look it’s okay you just have sharp nails.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay I’m just more concerned about what made you zone out in the first place. No shit strider, the truth. If you can.”

All his fight to keep the lid on dissipated. They were already this far down the river so what’s the fuck to loose anymore.He had to. He needed to before he did something else by accident. 

“I didn't mention this but,” he started slowly ,“there was one other weird emotion attached to it.”

“Thank you,” Karkat said with a small sigh of relief. 

“Like I said it was a really bad blow. I was really down for the count. I vaguely remembered laying there, on the roof thinking ‘I am going to die. Right here, right now’ and a small part of me was so happy about it.”

Karkat's eyes went wide but the rest of his face remained soft and concerned. At least he didn't look disgusted. This was going better than he thought. 

“You know when you think you have different kinds of thoughts. You have the ones that run like a monologue. You are hearing the words you think and are acknowledging them by hearing them. But then underneath that you have the thoughts that don't have words. The ones you just instantly know the moment they are created.The underlying background radiation of thought. That kind is a lot easier to ignore or not even notice. That's where those thoughts lived. Tucked away in the back so I didn't have to think about them.The ones that only have power from 2:00am to 4:30am.”

He hated thinking about it. That he had, under all that irony bullshit, this horrid feeling he could not shake.

  
  


“There was truly nothing other than that stupid apartment. I would think when I got older I would be with friends,people would think I was cool and that would somehow make me happy. But some part of me always feared I couldn’t do it, that I wasn’t made for it. So when I would sit alone fixing up scratches and cuts, or was up at night unable to escape my thoughts I would wonder back to that rooftop.”

He wanted this to stop. He didn't want to be talking about this. His voice was beginning to sound shaken and strained.He hadn't gotten this worked up about all this in years,maybe ever, and he was bringing it all back up. He didn't wanna think about it. He didn't wanna have to explain it to his boyfriend in the ways that would hurt him the least. He hated the look Karkat had on his face, all worry and sadness, with twinges of fear and heartbreak for flavor.

“I- I think it was always whiplash. Feeling horrible, feeling like it was okay, being alone,another fight on the roof, alone again, okay, hungry. Maybe if I was just in pain all the time or…” he trailed off almost at a whisper. 

“Dave,what are you getting at?”

He didn't want to say it. Not that word.He wouldn’t say it; he couldn’t say it. That one word scared him like nothing else and he felt cowardly for it. It held too much power and saying it meant admitting to things he still couldn’t admit to till that day. 

“Dave, are you saying you c-“

“But I didn't!” he screamed not wanting to hear the fucking word, all that energy coming out at once,he was shaking and crying and angry, “I didn't and that's the problem! I- I was too ashamed, to be cowardly, not able, to not willing to. I had to hold back, I couldn’t acknowledge it because that would be admitting something was wrong. So I couldn't bring myself to do it. So would stare for what felt like ages. Open the drawers just to close them. It never got bad enough to where all that shit out weighed the fear? Shame? Self control? I thought about it. I thought about it so much. On the edge but never being able to take the plunge. They would have blended in with the others, hell he would barely ever be home to see them, hell he probably would and wouldn’t care! But I knew if I did he would be upset with me. Think I was “uncool”; think I was weak.God I don't know what I even thought it would do! I didn't do it so I can't say anything about it! It feels wrong.I can’t say this and make you feel this way and put that horrible look on your face over something I didn’t even have the nerve to fucking do! If it wasn't bad enough for me to stop hesitating and rip myself into ribbons then I just need to shut up and move on!”

“Dave stop! Stop it!”

God why didn't he just play it off.

“Karkat, I can't even say this to you. I'm complaining when you have had it so much worse!”

“No, Dave you can't compare the two and you know that.”

“You could barely go anywhere without the fear of getting fucking evicerated, living on the wack ass planet that was Alternia! All I did was inexplicably cry and spiral every couple months. I’m just being over dramatic! I told you what’s wrong okay! I saw that fucking scar ruin that gift for me, remembered all the feelings about it,and it was just to much.I feel stupid and embarrassed, and have been reminded I’m a coward ,so please can we just forget this happened and go to bed?”

Dave’s eyes met Karkat’s begging him. 

* * *

  
  
  


“Okay” Karkat said moving his eyes to the ground. He didn’t know what to do. He sat wondering did he mess up. If he was wrong for continuing to push. He just wanted to know what to do to help. Over the years he had to come to terms with the fact that his skills aren’t in bombastic leadership and action, but helping people and helping them fix their problems. This was what he was supposed to do. Dave usually felt better after you let him talk, it’s his nature.But maybe he took it too far this time. 

But shit, the images of Dave’s crying, his shaky voice,and him almost breaking skin without knowing it, they all hung heavy in his heart. Even now each small sniff and sound of his boyfriend trying desperately to regain his composure was like a missle to his soul. 

Karkat looked up at Dave. Regardless of if getting into this mess was worth it,it was time he helped him out of it. 

“Can I hold you?”

Dave just looked at him

“We’ll go to bed but I just want to okay? Figured I’d ask first as not to startle you again.” 

Dave looked drained. He simply nodded. 

Karkat made his way behind dave wrapping his hands around his waist. He stayed there head on Dave’s shoulder, holding him tight while his breaths tried to settle.

“I- I can't fix it,” Karkat said, “I know that. I know that I can't take all this from you, if I could I would. If I could fucking rip that assholes throat from his neck and make him pay for everything I would but I can't. But,” he tried to hold him tighter. He didn't know what it would do but he hoped it was something, “ it was wrong. What happened to you. it was unfair. You shouldn’t have been hurt on rooftops, or hungry, in or around weird internet porn, or alone, or feeling like you had to… hurt. And yeah maybe the rest of my fucked society wouldn’t have cared or said its weak or child’s play but guess what? You didn’t live there then and you don’t now, so the comparison doesn’t matter.

“It was wrong, fucked up, and shouldn’t have happened and you are allowed, fuck that, it’s your fucking right to have as many fucked messy feelings about it as you want. Because that was just your prologue, you had to go through even more shit and you kept making it. You keep saying you are a coward for doing this and not doing that. You were just getting by how you knew how.I am so proud of you, and if anyone has something to say about it they are in for the Vantas ass beating of a lifetime.”

Dave was silent for a long time. Going through waves of what felt like crying. However, soon he could feel a small chuckle come from Dave’s chest, “Wow if I didn't know any better I'd say you like me.”

That's better.

Karkat rolled his eyes and gave a small squeeze, “Well good thing you do. Only someone with a thinkpan fresh from getting shit on would think this constitutes affection.”

Dave didnt respond but gave a small laugh. Man he looked tired. He assumed most of the adrenaline keeping him going had started to wane. Slowly Karkat took the covers, laid Dave down and situated them into bed with Dave’s head resting on his chest as he slowly patted his head.

“Karkat?” Dave said softly.

“Yeah?”

“You’re not going anywhere right?”

“What kind of question even is that? Of course I’m going to stay. I don't know what logic has made you think telling me all that was going to make me leave. You could never do something that would make me leave. And even then we continue to hang with people who have actually done shitty things. I talked to Vriska for ages.”

“Vriska is an outlier that should not be counted. You put her in and the whole sample gets fucked up. It's not a controlled experiment in that case. We need to have this question exist in a Vriska free state.”

Small laughs filled the space between them. 

* * *

  
Dave had maxed out his brain. He didn’t want it but he couldn't really think properly anymore. He just felt like a pile of drained emotions as Karkat patted his head and scratched at the base of his neck. He knew this wasn’t over, and there would be talks in the morning and explications to be given. However, somehow he did feel better. The excess energy was gone, letting him be light enough to be pulled down by sleep.

“Thank you,” he heard from above him, “for telling me that is. I’m sorry it was so hard.”

Dave slurred as sleep took him, “It’s okay. I love you.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Heeeeey thanks for reading! I hope I was able to keep everything in character. While there was a lot of projecting this fic is about Dave and Karkat, not me. Also it’s been a hot minute since I finished homestuck and I haven’t had years to let terminology and concepts stick in my brain. Kk cool cool.


End file.
